Becoming Elsa, Part II

All through the fall, I thought about what those Sound of Music auditions would look like, even though they wouldn’t happen until February. What can I say, I’m an over-thinker! Could I really make a return to the stage and do this thing that I grew up loving? Could I have my own Broadway revival of sorts? That would be amazing!

But… what if it was like before…?

🎶 Let’s Start At the Very Beginning 🎵

I first got involved in the theater when my grandparents signed me up for a summer theater camp at the Playhouse. It was there that I met Dauphne Maloney and realized I absolutely loved the way acting and performing made me feel. As an only child, I was alone a lot of the time when I was at home, but at the theater I had tons of brothers and sisters that I could be silly with and I had a new outlet for my imagination! The whole thing was called a “play” for heaven’s sake! I begged my mom to let me audition for some shows, so I auditioned for Annie, the summer community production at the Ren, and I was thrilled to be cast as an orphan. I loved it so much that I auditioned for just about everything I could between the Ren and the Playhouse: Sleeping Beauty, The Wizard of Oz, Joseph, The Music Man… I was on a roll!

But as I became a teenager and grew in self-awareness, I started to realize I was becoming pretty cocky about my roles and ability in the theater. I knew I didn’t like that feeling of being prideful, but I felt I was pretty good and I kept getting cast, so didn’t I have the right to be? Then the kicker came in – crushes. I started to really like this one guy who was a few years older than me, and he was clearly very talented at singing and acting. I didn’t know what to do with all those new feelings. Was it okay to have a crush? Was I going crazy? What should I do with all these butterflies in my stomach? They feel like they’re eating me alive! And all my confidence and bravado just melted away until I was a muddy puddle of fear and doubt and anxiety.  

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I was cast in Nate the Great as Kate, appropriately playing alongside my best friend Drew playing Nate. Rehearsals were going swimmingly… until one day, all my new hormones and anxieties and questions caught up to me – and I threw up just as we were about to start rehearsal. I made it through the performances, but thinking about performing became a nightmare I lived out every day. I even tried to push through and do another show, The Little Mermaid at the Playhouse. I was doing great until one night, just before performances, I ran to the bathroom and felt like I couldn’t come out. I remember Drew and other friends trying to comfort me through the door and being told Dauphne was holding the show so I could catch my breath. But I felt so lost and hopeless. How could I control this beast that had taken me over? Again, I finished out the show, but knowing I had caused so much disruption nagged at me and made me feel like a failure. 

The next few years are honestly a bit of a blur. Most of that time, I was a ball of nervous energy and was just barely hanging on. I loved being at school and having my school work to keep my mind preoccupied. But if I wasn’t busy, my anxiety crawled back up my throat and I had a hard time keeping it down. I became terrified that I would see my crush around school, which was extremely probable since I attended a very small Christian school. I loved the feeling of having a crush, but the teasing from my friends and butterflies in my stomach that had been fun for a while became agonizing and torturous. 

So I stopped acting.

It killed me inside not to audition for things, but I just couldn’t bring myself to do it. It wasn’t until college that I decided to try again. Maybe a new place and a new start would make it easier. I actually chose to major in Communications with a concentration in Theater because it was what I knew best. And I figured I could do just about anything with a Communications degree if acting didn’t work out. I auditioned for a few plays here and there, but always told the director I wanted something small. I still enjoyed it tremendously and started to move away from my fear.

Then, the summer after my freshman year, things got real.

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Sincerely,